Well if you follow B's blog at www.notamama.blogspot.com you pretty much know all the things that have been happening in the time that I haven't posted, normally when she's posting I'm asleep behind her, or rubbing her back, because massage is supposed to release hormones that help the mommy and the baby, plus it gives me a reason to touch her, and I still have to figure out where she gets all the energy to keep up to date all the time with all the blogs...
I really don't know where to start, there's just been so much, i mean hCG tests that just keep getting darker, today the test came up like instantly, and was super dark... I think i even screamed like a little school girl.
I guess I'll start with last week... here goes.. did a few hCG tests, all positive, lines getting darker, was super exciting and cool. Found out that everyone that I know, now knows that we're pregnant, don't know how I feel about that, but I guess that's my fault for telling certain people that don't know how to keep their mouths shut, but I couldn't resist, I'M SOOO EXCITED!!
B went and did a favour for one of my friends sisters and ended up getting sick and under payed, but that's what you get for being nice I guess... we thought it was morning sickness but when I got it and the baby that B takes care of got it, we knew that wasn't the case.
I cleaned the room:) that's a great thing, we're gonna be moving in July, that's huge and exciting, we can finally get away from my BITCH of a sister that lives with us, and at least this way we can raise the baby however we want, without her telling us that we're not doing it properly cause we're not doing it her way.(she is younger than me and has no kids) but if you do things other then her way, she'll yell and shit, not cool.. plus this way it makes it easier for us to do the birth at home and somewhere where we can all be relaxed.
Been reading quite a bit of things that are going to help the both of us so much with everything, B's decided that i have to buy the breast pump cause I'm the one that wants to feed the baby.
This has got to be the longest and most disorganized post ever, and mostly a recap of B's posts, because well, we live together, so what happens to her, usually isn't too different than what happens to her :)
I'm going to have to try and stay more up to date with this, guess I'll be bringing my laptop to work with me so I can do this on my break!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
WOW
So it's been forever since my last post, sorry, there's just so much going on well with B's brother being really depressed, he won't talk to any of the family, but I finally got to talking with him and found out a bunch of stuff, and he just needs to realize that he is in control of the situation, it's really hard to relate to him because he takes things wrong sometimes. I feel that he realizes what he has to do, and that is a step in the right direction.
B and I are now trying to have a baby again, hoping that this one makes it to term, we've bought allot of things that are on sale(love sales) and a bunch of things that we'll need, soothers teethers, bottles. i just hope that we haven't set ourselves up for another roller coaster ride.
So yeah the last few weeks have been pretty weird but cool, i want twins, this way we can have a boy and a girl, B and I have kinda been fighting over what we want, I'd be grateful to have either.
Just last night B told her mom that we're dating, that only took like 9 months, I wonder when we'll tell her that we're pregnant...
B and I are now trying to have a baby again, hoping that this one makes it to term, we've bought allot of things that are on sale(love sales) and a bunch of things that we'll need, soothers teethers, bottles. i just hope that we haven't set ourselves up for another roller coaster ride.
So yeah the last few weeks have been pretty weird but cool, i want twins, this way we can have a boy and a girl, B and I have kinda been fighting over what we want, I'd be grateful to have either.
Just last night B told her mom that we're dating, that only took like 9 months, I wonder when we'll tell her that we're pregnant...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Not enough Time
It seems that life has decided to pour out on B and I all at once, it has been so busy here lately, with her and I both working weird hours, we both seem to be cranky, short tempered especially with each other, I have been working with people that might as well have me working alone, at least then there wouldn't be so many mistakes to fix.
None the less we still get along, for the most part, I mean we got a new bed, changed up the room a bit, the bed is twice as big as the other one, and the room looks bigger(weird), I mean I know that B's last relationship wasn't good at all and that she's scared to lose me because I feel the same way about her, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I used to be scared that she was going to leave me because of the patterns of past relationships, we have been going out for like 8 months now, and that's the longest for me, still the shortest for her, but I mean she's not like anyone that i have ever dated...
I just love her, and everything that she does, she doesn't even know I'm still kinda nervous and shy sometimes...
I just hope that we can overcome this together, and be there for each other, which is really important at the point that we're at.
None the less we still get along, for the most part, I mean we got a new bed, changed up the room a bit, the bed is twice as big as the other one, and the room looks bigger(weird), I mean I know that B's last relationship wasn't good at all and that she's scared to lose me because I feel the same way about her, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I used to be scared that she was going to leave me because of the patterns of past relationships, we have been going out for like 8 months now, and that's the longest for me, still the shortest for her, but I mean she's not like anyone that i have ever dated...
I just love her, and everything that she does, she doesn't even know I'm still kinda nervous and shy sometimes...
I just hope that we can overcome this together, and be there for each other, which is really important at the point that we're at.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
BAD TIMING
So I have known for a while that one of my roommates is moving out, and up until a few days ago I though we had another guy moving in for sure, because that's what my sister had told me, so I really had no problem with it at all, until now.
Tonight my sister comes in our room and asks me if I can work for her on Monday so that she can go see her boyfriend, I told her to wait cause my schedules aren’t out yet and I have no idea when I'm going to be available, plus I have a bunch of stuff to do on Monday for a friends wedding, so she can wait for the answer.
I told her that if the other guy wasn’t moving in that it would have been cheaper for B and I to find our own place, the rent is almost 400 for B and I, and about to go up to about 500 without the other guy living here, and rent doesn't include any utilities.
Now for the other guy that is moving out, he's leaving a month before the lease that has his name on it is over, when I decided to leave my old place I had to pay my last months rent, because my name was on the lease, and it's only fair to everyone else, plus it's a legal document that he signed, even if he though that it was only till the end of March.
So now after telling my sister that it would have been cheaper for us to move out, she freaks on me and leaves the room, I try to cook diner for B and I, at this point she tells me that her and the other roommate will go find a place if we're not going to just smile and pretend to be happy about it... and she doesn’t do this calmly, she's throwing shit around, so whatever, I decide that I'm just going to cook diner later, because I just don't have it in me to deal with her shenanigans today. I came back in my room, cleared the bed, meanwhile saying nothing, and B keeps asking what's wrong, finally I tell her, and lay next to her.
We chatted for a few seconds and then my sister decides that it's the perfect timing to open the door and let me know that my Mom's cancer came back, she just had surgery less then a month ago, just went a few days ago to get the last drain disc taken off, and went for her follow up today, but my sister waits till the perfect time to tell me that my mom has cancer again, and is going for another surgery... I guess she's going to be working her own shift on Monday :)
Tonight my sister comes in our room and asks me if I can work for her on Monday so that she can go see her boyfriend, I told her to wait cause my schedules aren’t out yet and I have no idea when I'm going to be available, plus I have a bunch of stuff to do on Monday for a friends wedding, so she can wait for the answer.
I told her that if the other guy wasn’t moving in that it would have been cheaper for B and I to find our own place, the rent is almost 400 for B and I, and about to go up to about 500 without the other guy living here, and rent doesn't include any utilities.
Now for the other guy that is moving out, he's leaving a month before the lease that has his name on it is over, when I decided to leave my old place I had to pay my last months rent, because my name was on the lease, and it's only fair to everyone else, plus it's a legal document that he signed, even if he though that it was only till the end of March.
So now after telling my sister that it would have been cheaper for us to move out, she freaks on me and leaves the room, I try to cook diner for B and I, at this point she tells me that her and the other roommate will go find a place if we're not going to just smile and pretend to be happy about it... and she doesn’t do this calmly, she's throwing shit around, so whatever, I decide that I'm just going to cook diner later, because I just don't have it in me to deal with her shenanigans today. I came back in my room, cleared the bed, meanwhile saying nothing, and B keeps asking what's wrong, finally I tell her, and lay next to her.
We chatted for a few seconds and then my sister decides that it's the perfect timing to open the door and let me know that my Mom's cancer came back, she just had surgery less then a month ago, just went a few days ago to get the last drain disc taken off, and went for her follow up today, but my sister waits till the perfect time to tell me that my mom has cancer again, and is going for another surgery... I guess she's going to be working her own shift on Monday :)
Eye for Eye
So last night B and I went to visit both of our parents, aside from the disturbing conversations that my parents brought up for dinner, it was actually relaxing for a change, nobody knows about Sophie, aside form our readers, and each other, and I want to keep it that way, although I almost freaked when my dad went on into how many siblings he has, and all the family things, and the fact that my grandmother had a miscarriage, when he said both B and I looked at each other, the look of "I'm not saying anything". The last thing I need is for my family to find that out, they're big enough jerks as it is, but for the most part it went well.
We then went to visit a few friends because they live close to my parents, which is out of town, so we went there, and got grilled, cause our face book status says engaged.... we're not really engaged, but we live together, and want to start a family after we find a new place where we can be alone (no roommates) plus roommates don't like babies crying in the middle of the night...
Now the evening goes to B's parents, yes we visited everyone possible, when we got there her dad was so happy, he let us know that he was going to stop drinking, he's been an alcoholic for 20 some years, and now he sais he's realized how much it's affected everything, includin his health, when he said that, all that I could think about was that my baby Sophie is our angel, and that she would help him, and that maybe her purpose is to help him overcome it. It's not going to be easy for anyone, but I think that we can all do it, after all it's cause he wants to, not just because we want him to.
So that was about the evening that we had, when we got home, it was all tears, and talking, but really needed, I feel more now than ever like a part of her, her dad opened up to me quite a bit, we haven’t told them that we're dating... although I doubt that they haven’t figured it out by now...
Maybe I'm still trying to find a reason, and I doubt that I will ever find one that satisfies.
We then went to visit a few friends because they live close to my parents, which is out of town, so we went there, and got grilled, cause our face book status says engaged.... we're not really engaged, but we live together, and want to start a family after we find a new place where we can be alone (no roommates) plus roommates don't like babies crying in the middle of the night...
Now the evening goes to B's parents, yes we visited everyone possible, when we got there her dad was so happy, he let us know that he was going to stop drinking, he's been an alcoholic for 20 some years, and now he sais he's realized how much it's affected everything, includin his health, when he said that, all that I could think about was that my baby Sophie is our angel, and that she would help him, and that maybe her purpose is to help him overcome it. It's not going to be easy for anyone, but I think that we can all do it, after all it's cause he wants to, not just because we want him to.
So that was about the evening that we had, when we got home, it was all tears, and talking, but really needed, I feel more now than ever like a part of her, her dad opened up to me quite a bit, we haven’t told them that we're dating... although I doubt that they haven’t figured it out by now...
Maybe I'm still trying to find a reason, and I doubt that I will ever find one that satisfies.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What seems to work
There are just some things that work and some that don't, I mean I look at this beautiful plant every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to bed, it's all I see anymore, I can imagine that it would be the same if she had lived, my world would revolve around her if she were here now, she would be the first and last thing I see every morning and night, she'd probably wake me and B up every few hours, I guess it's just something that I was looking forward to having.
It's really hard at this point to not be sad that we never got to meet our daughter, but at the same time we're still trying to convince ourselves that it's better that it happened sooner than later.. or that there was a reason; we're still trying to figure out why.
Last week in the afternoon, B and I were talking about Sophie, crying a lot, and just as we started to settle down, Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle came on, that's when I started balling, and since then that has become Sophie's song, it's getting easier and easier to hear, but is still the song that will always remind me of her. And I am more than likely going to tear up every time. B just played it like 5 times in a row... I was wondering why, and then I checked her blog and knew it had to be there.
I will never forget the closeness that Sophie brought us.
It's really hard at this point to not be sad that we never got to meet our daughter, but at the same time we're still trying to convince ourselves that it's better that it happened sooner than later.. or that there was a reason; we're still trying to figure out why.
Last week in the afternoon, B and I were talking about Sophie, crying a lot, and just as we started to settle down, Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle came on, that's when I started balling, and since then that has become Sophie's song, it's getting easier and easier to hear, but is still the song that will always remind me of her. And I am more than likely going to tear up every time. B just played it like 5 times in a row... I was wondering why, and then I checked her blog and knew it had to be there.
I will never forget the closeness that Sophie brought us.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Our Baby Sophie
I dunno, I just figure that all these blogs that are out there about losing a baby are all so sad and true, but it seems like none of the authors of them are males, I don't know if it's our inability to share the feelings that we actually feel, but I have decided that it's time to get it out there.
In January my partner and I both knew that she had to have been pregnant, like everyone that finds out, we got scared at first, then we realized what was happening, I was kind of nervous (I was going to be a daddy), then we got excited, we started looking at baby stuff, were going to start buying stuff for the baby.
On January 17, 2008 the worst thing that has ever happened to us happened, I awoke in the middle of the night to my partner closing the door to the room, for some reason I knew that something was wrong, I could just tell... All she could say is "I'm broken" Me being me, I didn't quite understand, but the tears that were flowing were just enough that I needed to know, and eventually, after a lot of calming down, she told me that she had just miscarried, of course she needed me for a change, and I needed to be there for her. It took a few hours before it actually sunk in my head what had just happened, at least it felt like it just happened, and well... then I freaked out a bit or a lot... She still to this day will try and take blame for it, which isn't her fault, but no matter how much she hears it, it's something that she can't let go and I respect that.
When it happened she described it to me as a "Bloody Murder Scene", I could just imagine exactly what it looked like, although she says she's glad that I wasn’t there with her, as we go to the washroom at the same time often enough, I still wish I had been there to hold her as soon as it happened.
It has been 2 months now, and we decided that it would be a good idea to get a plant which would be in memory of Sophie, which is a name not that we picked, but rather a name that my partner couldn't get out of her head. Last week when we bought the plant I was acting weird and sad even for myself, and all the words that I could get out were "plant for Sophie" we had to dig to the back of the plants just for the perfect one, now the plant is on a table beside the bed, and we love it, they're the cutest tulips that I've ever seen and I think that would be how I would see Sophie if she were to still be with us.
We have been keeping a positive outlook, and still go to the baby section in stores all the time.
Wherever you are Sophie we love you.
In January my partner and I both knew that she had to have been pregnant, like everyone that finds out, we got scared at first, then we realized what was happening, I was kind of nervous (I was going to be a daddy), then we got excited, we started looking at baby stuff, were going to start buying stuff for the baby.
On January 17, 2008 the worst thing that has ever happened to us happened, I awoke in the middle of the night to my partner closing the door to the room, for some reason I knew that something was wrong, I could just tell... All she could say is "I'm broken" Me being me, I didn't quite understand, but the tears that were flowing were just enough that I needed to know, and eventually, after a lot of calming down, she told me that she had just miscarried, of course she needed me for a change, and I needed to be there for her. It took a few hours before it actually sunk in my head what had just happened, at least it felt like it just happened, and well... then I freaked out a bit or a lot... She still to this day will try and take blame for it, which isn't her fault, but no matter how much she hears it, it's something that she can't let go and I respect that.
When it happened she described it to me as a "Bloody Murder Scene", I could just imagine exactly what it looked like, although she says she's glad that I wasn’t there with her, as we go to the washroom at the same time often enough, I still wish I had been there to hold her as soon as it happened.
It has been 2 months now, and we decided that it would be a good idea to get a plant which would be in memory of Sophie, which is a name not that we picked, but rather a name that my partner couldn't get out of her head. Last week when we bought the plant I was acting weird and sad even for myself, and all the words that I could get out were "plant for Sophie" we had to dig to the back of the plants just for the perfect one, now the plant is on a table beside the bed, and we love it, they're the cutest tulips that I've ever seen and I think that would be how I would see Sophie if she were to still be with us.
We have been keeping a positive outlook, and still go to the baby section in stores all the time.
Wherever you are Sophie we love you.
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